'Never Too Young to Die': The Home Game

So, if you've listened to Episode #41 of the podcast, you know that I am absolutely in love with the so-bad-it's-amazing action flick Never Too Young to Die. So much so that it makes me angry that this gem of a film didn't spawn a series of sequels, an animated series, an arcade game, a breakfast cereal and a line of action figures.

So, in an effort to make that sweet dream a reality, I present Never Too Young to Die: The Home Game. All you'll need is some old action figures/dolls and a little imagination.

First, you'll need the good guys. As we know, 80's super-hunk John Stamos played our hero Lance Stargrove. Luckily, he was immortalized in doll form as "Rockin' Jesse" from Full House. Then, grab your George Lazenby James Bond action figure (we all have one of those, right?) to play the role of the senior Stargrove. Unfortunately, they never made a Vanity doll (a travesty!), so for the part of Danja Deering, we'll just use the modern equivalent of Vanity, Beyonce.

Okay, now that we have our good guys, we need our villains. First and foremost, we need our cross-dressing, evil genius Velvet Von Ragnar. Fortunately, Gene Simmons has had many dolls made of him (the ego maniac). I suggest adding some fake boobs to the doll, just to make the look complete. Then, for Ragnar's henchman Riley, played by Robert Englund, a classic talking Freddy Krueger doll will do the trick. Just glue a computer disk to his hand or something. Then finally, you'll need a gang of punk rock minions to follow Ragnar's every (ridiculous) command. Simply stock up on several mohawked punk action figures, and you're all set.

Now, (and this is the most important part) take a bunch of LSD and you MIGHT just be able to recreate the magic of Never Too Young to Die in your own home. Enjoy!

Also, on Episode #41 we discussed how Gene Simmons wears the exact same showgirl outfit in Never Too Young to Die that was worn by former Wonder Woman Lynda Carter when she performed with KISS on a television special back in 1980. Here's the proof: