Friday, February 25, 2011

Project Parlor & Junk Food Dinner present:

March 1st is a red letter day for us here at JFD. It's the first (of hopefully many) Junk Food Dinner nights at Project Parlor (742 Myrtle Ave.) in Bed-Stuy. Your charming hosts for this event are Mark Freado, Jr. and Kevin Merryman. Drink specials, trivia, drinking games, bickering, peanuts, couches, VHS prints- what's not to like? We're gonna kick things off at 9pm. Join us won't you?

StarCrash (AKA: The Adventures of StellaStar) [Italy, 1978]

A couple of smugglers pick up a mysterious castaway - the only survivor of a mission to destroy a super-weapon designed by the evil Count Zartram.

Released one year after EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE, Luigi Cozzi (HERCULES/DEMONS 6) proves imitation is the sincerest form of flattery with arguably the best of the Star Wars knock-offs. Former child evangelist Marjoe Gortner heads up a cast that includes Caroline Munro (SLAUGHTER HIGH/MANIAC), Joe Spinnel (FORBIDDEN ZONE/MANIAC/THE 9TH CONFIGURATION), Christopher Plummer (12 MONKEYS/ROCK-A-DOODLE), and David Hasselhoff (BAYWATCH/BEING A JOKE ON THE INTERNET). You'll be taken by the costumes, sets, and dazzling special effects before you even have a chance to say "I have a bad feeling about this."

(Look for our review of StarCrash on an upcoming episode of Junk Food Dinner!)

Ice Cream Man [USA, 1994]

After being released from the Wishing Well Sanatorium, Gregory wants only to ensure happy days for the children of his community. TOO BAD HE'S CRAZY!

Clint Howard is the titular Ice Cream Man in Paul Norman's (EDWARD PENISHANDS) only non-porn movie (of his 20 year career!) from 1994. The cast is rounded out by Lee Majors II, David Warner (TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II, TRON), David Naughton (AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON), Sandahl Bergman (CONAN, RED SONJA), Steve Garvey (San Diego Padres), and a bunch of horrible kids. Not for the faint of heart.

Hope to see you there, Junk Food Junkies.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Bring out your dead

I just stumbled upon this trailer for a film called "Black Death," starring Sean Bean (aka Boromir, son of Denethor). The movie reviews and taglines promise emotional unease and grisly death, which is generally what I'm into. I also enjoy movies about these things.

Anyway, the movie seems to be about the Black Plague and how some primitive screwheads deal with the issue. Speaking of which, did you know that in the southwest, the Plague still exists? Prairie dogs and the fleas that live on those prairie dogs have it. And if you get it, you're dead. This is something I have learned since moving to Southern California. Between this plague, the black widows and mountain lions, I'm surprised I've survived this long.

If the trailer didn't hook you, I'd like you to feast your eyes on the coolest movie poster since "Cobra."

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Junk Food Dinner: Episode #47

Junk Food Dinner returns with three movies that no one can agree on!

First up, we have 1982's "Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains" starring very young Diane Lane and Laura Dern as a punk band that takes the world by storm. The film also co-stars a couple of the Sex Pistols.

Then, we take a look at one of Patrick Bateman's favorite films, "Body Double," from 1984, directed by Brian De Palma and starring Melanie Griffth's boobs. In this one, we find out how house sitting can become dangerous and have sexy results.

Finally, we are completely baffled by 1985's "Night Train to Terror," an anthology of horror stories set around a chess game between God and Satan.

Got a movie suggestion for the show, want to give your opinion on a movie we talked about or just want to tell us we suck? Drop us a line at Or hit us up on the hotline: 347-746-JUNK (5865).

Also, please take a minute and subscribe and/or comment on us on iTunes, Podcast Alley or

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Finally, a gory and violent "E.T." sequel!

I know you've been waiting for some violent resolution to your favorite childhood movie about a nice alien that loves candy. Now you got it.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

hello, brooklyn.

Hey gang, if you're in the BK and aren't busy tomorrow night. Meet me at Legion Bar (790 Metropolitan Avenue) at 8pm for Big Fat Scary Thursday. They're showing Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter and I hear there's snacks. There's also a trailer comp cut together by our buddy Matt D. from Forbidden Planet. Look for him on an upcoming episode of the show, if he can narrow down his movie choices.

In the meantime, go drop some coin on this cool, cool book at Forbidden Planet (they stock LunchMeat, too!) I briefly met/sat next to Shade Rupe at the "Vigilante" screening I went to right after I moved here and then promptly forgot about the book (it wasn't out yet) but I picked it up the other day and I can't get enough. If you're a fan of the show/cult film/cult icons/interviews/cool packaging, it'll be right up your alley.

Stay tuned for new Junk and in the meantime, stop in and say hi to Matt and pick up Dark Stars Rising and/or a LunchMeat t-shirt while you're at it.

No Junk Food Dinner Today

Sorry, folks, but there won't be a new episode today because Mark was murdered and set on fire while celebrating his birthday.

We'll be back next week!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

X-Men: First Class trailer

Here's our first look at the new X-Men movie and I hope it's my last. In an attempt to ruin any continuity with the previous three films, we'll be getting this prequel explaining how the X-Men formed. I'd be upset about that continuity stuff, but I remembered that I don't really care about those previous three films.

Anyway- here's the clip.

Beast looks kinda like a blue Pikachu or something now, right?

Saturday, February 12, 2011


I'm a day late on this, I meant to do it yesterday. My former video-store-partner-in-crime/Christine in Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night! (a potential future movie choice, for sure.) celebrated her birthday yesterday.
As such, I wanted to tell her happy birthday and tell you to go to her store and buy something.
I would ask for that Super Mario Bros. hat but I'm sure it wouldn't fit.

Friday, February 11, 2011


For our landmark 200th weblog post, Mr. Lee Keeler from Classy Hands sent us over this essay. Hope you enjoy!

that are action movies you actually enjoy but you can tell her they’re dramas and get away with it

10.) Memento (2000) - Before Christopher Nolan was bending our minds with Inception and refurbishing the super-hero franchise model, he blew up with a simple concept: A literally backwards movie. Genius casting of Joey Pants and Stephen Tobolowsky in supporting roles.
Dude Factor: Guy Pearce is hunting down his wife’s killer to put a bullet in his head.
What you can tell her: The story of a man haunted by chronic short-term memory trying to avenge the murder of his wife.

9.) Three Kings (1999) - David O. Russell takes himself too seriously, and most of his movies tend to be Oscar failures rather than just fun movies. Three Kings is a fun movie, and charts the course of three bored soldiers during the Gulf War, representing the ridiculous traipse of American military force in Kuwait in ‘91. And director pal Spike Jonze makes a rare and convincing acting performance.
Dude Factor: Ice Cube using Nerf footballs as grenades. Characters charge into imminent death to the soothing yacht-rock sounds of Chicago.
What you can tell her: It’s a drama about three soldiers getting over their greed to help a group of Kuwaiti rebels get to freedom, lead by George Clooney.

8.) The Thing (1982) - A lot of people look down on remakes, but if you remake a crappy film into a piece of blister-tight drama, then you’re onto something. At the peak of his game, John Carpenter takes simple elements like snow, dogs, and paranoia and camouflages them into a xenophobic spiral. Death is just outside the door, and Carpenter meticulously chisels down a fantastic ensemble cast into Kurt Russell’s finest performance.
Dude Factor: Kurt Russell is either guzzling scotch or blowing stuff up with a flamethrower every 10 minutes.
What you can tell her: It’s about a group of isolated soldiers that have to get over their cabin fever and learn to trust each other.

7.) The Lost Boys (1987) - Joel Schumacher, or as I like to call him: The Original Michael Bay, went out on a limb and took the 50’s cheese aesthetic to a small California town infested with vampires. It’s East of Eden with mullets and dirt bikes, hitting the audience with a meta-take on the entire vampire establishment from comics to Bram Stoker.
Dude Factor: Vampires are slain with squirt guns and radios that blast INXS. Death by stereo.
What you can tell her: Before Twilight watered-down the genre, a bunch of hunky teen vampires ran amok and learned how difficult it was to keep a family together while drinking blood.

6.) The Terminator (1984) - Simply put, it’s one of a handful of American films with the cajones to kill off the male protagonist. Ever the innovator, James Cameron masterfully sneaks Linda Hamilton into the role of action star as we watch two men break down trying to save/kill her.
Dude Factor: Arnold pulls his own eyeball out and is later blown up with homemade pipe bombs.
What you can tell her: A devoted hero travels through time to find his great love, saving her life so she can be the mother of a revolution.

5.) The Road Warrior (1981) - So it’s more or less a Kurosawa movie with Australian leather motor gangs set in the post-apocalypse, you wanna make something of it? This thing spits in the eye of CGI, as director George Miller rolls out an analog smash-em-up so frenetic that you overlook that all of the good guys are wearing white and the bad guys are wearing black.
Dude Factor: It’s got Bennett from Commando and a kid with a razor-blade boomerang.
What you can tell her: A ragtag community of survivors must place their lives in the hands of a mysterious and handsome outsider.

4.) L.A. Confidential (1997) - Often scuttled by noir purists behind Chinatown, this film is an unsung gem of retro cool, revealing the dirty underbelly of squeaky-clean 1950’s Los Angeles. It’s been amazing to watch the rotation of marketing for this film over the last decade: the original cover spotlighted Kim Basinger, years later Kevin Spacey, and finally Russell Crowe was placed in the foreground. It’ll be a cold day in heck when the promo gurus at Warner Bros. figure out that the strength of this film lies in each and every actor involved.
Dude Factor: Pre-gladiatorial Russell Crowe ham-fisting the wicked. Fleur-de-Lis parties.
What you can tell her: Two enemies traverse the corrupt world of law enforcement and become best friends after sharing the love of a prostitute.

3.) Children of Men (2006) - When it comes to authentic sci-fi this is yet another underdog, living deep in the shadow of Blade Runner. But where Ridley Scott’s masterpiece paces like a dinner with your grandmother, Children of Men is like crushing up uppers and sprinkling them on your White Castle while driving a getaway car. Director Alfonso Cuaron crafts a shaky-cam opus that builds steam and jettisons you back into the real world, fresh and happy to be alive.
Dude Factor: Jasper takes a car battery to the face. (Never try to extort a savior baby).
What you can tell her: A depressed former activist, played by the dapper Clive Owen, reclaims his soul by helping the only pregnant woman on earth escape those who seek to manipulate her.

2.) Predator (1987) - Alien meets The Wild Bunch. There are a score of brilliant films that deal with jungle warfare, but Predator is the ultimate post-traumatic aftershock of Vietnam culture. You either like it because you’re ironic or you just dig things that kick ass, it doesn’t matter. You just watch it. Anybody that argues against this film is a commie liar and should be subject to investigation of the House of Un-American Activities Committee.
Dude Factor: Former Governor slathers himself in mud, crushes an alien with a giant log, then gets to the choppa; said Governor ain’t got time to bleed.
What you can tell her: A platoon of ripped soldiers get lost and have to find their way out of a jungle while dealing with the emotional loss of their old friends.

1.) Goodfellas (1990) - When it comes to Scorsesian masterpieces, the films most often cited are Raging Bull and Taxi Driver. Where those titles make for stuffier viewing, Goodfellas is a pragmatic flick that views in almost any mood, and you enjoy the entire ride. It’s a clear-cut epic of a man’s rise to gangsterhood and his fall into ordinary shnookdom. The elements are impeccable: the soundtrack boasts Harry Nilsson, the shot design is sweeping and grandiose, and each cast member fits like a jewel in a crown. Goodfellas meets precisely at the impasse between classical operatic tragedy and the mushrooming culture of trigger-happy Internet gamers with ever-shortening attention spans.
Dude Factor: Henry Hill crossing the street to have a talk with the guy who got fresh with his girl.
What you can tell her: A group of ambitious young men go into independent business together, discovering in their later years how much sacrifice is involved.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Junk Food Dinner Podcast: Episode #46

Be cool, you jive-ass motherfuckers, Junk Food Dinner: Episode #46 is finally here. Can you dig it?

This week in honor of Black History Month we take a look at three classic Blaxploitation films.

Up first, we get bitten by Dracula’s soul brother in the 1972 horror film Blacula starring William Marshall and Thalmus Rasulala.

Then, Isaac Hayes is a bounty hunter going up against an army of angry pimps (including Nichelle Nichols and Yaphet Kotto) in Truck Turner from 1974.

And finally, Rudy Ray Moore rhymes and jives his way into our hearts in the 1975 action-comedy Dolemite.


MP3 Direct Download

Got a movie suggestion for the show, want to give your opinion on a movie we talked about or just want to tell us we suck? Drop us a line at Or hit us up on the hotline: 347-746-JUNK (5865).

Also, if you like the show, (and why wouldn't you if you've come this far) please take a minute and subscribe and/or comment on us on iTunes, Blubrry or We gain precious nutrients from your love and support.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Super Commercials without all that silly "sports" stuff

In case you didn't feel like sitting through three hours of a football with only about 3 minutes of actually game time in order to see some cool movie commercials, we're here. We got you. Here are some of the better ones.

Captain America


Super 8

Battle: Los Angeles


Monday, February 7, 2011

Parker vs. Saw III & IV

Last week, I decided I'd be watching the "Saw" movies. All of them. Quickly. Here are my thoughts on the first two movies. What follows is my detailed journey into "Saw III" and "Saw IV."

"Saw III" (2006)
Everyone (read: Mark) told me going in that parts 1 and 3 of "Saw" were the good ones. After enduring "Saw II," I was really, really hoping Mark was right so that I could get at least one more high point in my "Saw" journey. Well, give it up for Mark, he got it right about the third flick. While I probably couldn't recommend this third installment as a good movie, I can fully recommend it as a good Saw movie.

We're back to this city where run down warehouses and living quarters are all one muted color and lighbulbs aren't designed to go over 20 watts of power. Why is everything so grim and bleak looking in these movies? Even the houses of doctors look like they're made out of diseased, old Buicks and rusty cockroaches.

Apparently having brain cancer can effect murderous engineers the same way it does normal people, as our hero Jigsaw is now bed-ridden and dependent on Shawnee Smith, which actually sounds kind of enjoyable, now that I think about it. Anyway, the murderous duo kidnap a brain surgeon and try to convince her to save Jigsaw or face a gruesome death via a rusty metallic trap, which seems to be Jigsaw's only means of communication. I have a feeling that when he orders pizzas, he decides on how much to tip by whether or not the delivery guy can escape from a bear trap helmet.

Wait a minute. Why didn't Jigsaw get that first doctor ("Hot Shot" Cary Elwes) from the first movie to cure his cancer?

Anyway, while that's all happening, we have a dude with no charisma stuck in a warehouse who gets to decide whether or not to save people stuck in various awesome traps. I guess after the bore-fest that was the previous film's "traps," the filmmakers decided to kick it up a notch with a trap that drowns you in the liquified carcasses of rotting pigs. If ever there was an appropriate use of Ernest P. Worrell's "Ewww" face, this would be it. And if you were to add a hundred tons or so of cow feces to the liquid pig mixture, you'd have a pretty good idea of how California's central valley smells around noon in the summer.

Anyway, one thing leads to another and it turns out the dude saving people is the doctor's husband and yadda yadda yadda, Amanda kills the doctor for really no reason at all. Though, it is revealed that Amanda cuts herself and that usually leads to irrational murder (and slutty girlfriend status).

Oh, spoiler alert by the way. Though, if you're reading this much of my "Saw" review (read: rant), I'm gonna go ahead and assume you've seen these movies and are a big fan of the series, as I doubt anyone in 2011 needs to read a reiew of "Saw III" to decide wether or not to rent it.

So, in what reads like the logical conclusion of a trilogy, Amanda fails her test to become the heir to Jigsaw's throne (which is probably rusty and metallic), and Jigsaw gets murdered by that husband dude (which is cool with Jigsaw, he was totally counting on that). Like I said, this seems like a pretty good place to call it a day for the "Saw" series, not just because they're inevitably going to get dumber and dumber, but because this would be a good ending. Jigsaw dies, his incompetent (yet sexy) apprentice doesn't get to carry on his legacy, and we're still left feeling an uneasy dread because it's revealed that the doctor's daughter will apparently starve to death in a room that only Jigsaw knew the location of. A traditional way to end a story.

But that won't happen because there's still money to be made and (if I know anything about horror) Jigsaw's gonna have to spend time in New York City or on a spaceship or in "the real world" before it's all over.

"Saw IV" (2007)
Despite the fact that I just watched this one a few days ago, it took me a full ten minutes before I could remember the plot. I'm using the word "plot" very liberally here. Things are probably gonna get pretty hazy here and I may start confusing elements of the next few movies. I actually wish that Jigsaw would spend time in Manhattan or outer space, so as to give me some kind of map marker as I try to navigate through these insanely similar movies.

One of the background cops from a couple previous flicks is now thrust into the starring role because everyone else is dead. I'm also using the word "starring" very liberally, by the way. This cop is sent out to help people in boring traps while searching for a bearded Donnie Wahlberg (who is apparently alive, despite being left for dead in "Saw II"). We're also introduced to Strahm and Hoffman (more cops) who are seemingly played by the same actor. These guys look identical and I keep confusing them and it's pretty annoying. Another annoying thing about this film (and the series) is all the goddamn cops. Police officer is apparently the only goddamn career choice in this city. Which, I guess is probably a good gig up until you get murdered by a Jigsaw trap, which basically means you're fired.

I guess I don't really remember much about this mediocre installment. They killed off the two most interesting characters in the last flick and now we're basically left with the floaters, most of whom get shot in the climax. Yep, that's Jigsaw's master plan: hoping everyone will accidentally shoot each other. Oh, we're also introduced to Jigsaw's wife, who contributes absolutely nothing to the story and is not interesting at all. I think it's revealed that before becoming a weirdo murderer, Jigsaw was a real estate agent or something, which solved the mystery of how he always manages to have these very conveniently abandoned warehouses and factories, though I guess they could have just set the film in Detroit to explain that one.

Don't get me wrong. Despite the fact that it leads to the movies having no interesting focal character, it's an interesting, bold choice to have a horror franchise where your villain is dead. Truly dead, I mean. He's not undead or ghostly dead or anything like that. Dude is totally dead (except for his voice, which somehow lives on through the tricycle puppet for the rest of the series). Jigsaw is dead and is replaced by Hoffman. What would have happened if they decided to replace the killer from "Friday the 13th" with someone else in the sequels? How would fans react? Oh, wait. That happened. A couple times, actually. I dunno where I'm going with that other than to say again that a "Saw" without Jigsaw is pretty dumb. Couldn't his cancer have just gone away like Breaking Bad's? And while I'm on the subject, I think Saul Goodman should be in the "Saw" movies.

Check out the Final Chapter of "Saw" reviews here.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

R.I.P Tura Satana (1938-2011)

Junk Food Dinner was very saddened to hear about the passing of legendary cult film actress Tura Satana on February 4th, 2011.

The 6'3" beauty born Tura Luna Pascual Yamaguchi in Hokkaidō, Japan began her entertainment career first as a blues singer, then gained notoriety as a model and then eventually as a burlesque dancer.

Tura's first acting role came playing Suzette Wong in the 1963 Billy Wilder-directed comedy Irma la Douce alongside Jack Lemmon and Shirley McLaine.

However, it was her next role as the tough-as-nails Varla in Russ Meyer's 1965 exploitation classic Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! that would cement her legacy as a cult legend. With her "take-no-prisoners" attitude, exotic beauty and plunging neckline, Tura quickly became the object of desire for many cult movies fans for generations to come. Tura was also responsible for adding key elements to the visual style and energy of the film, including her costume, makeup, use of martial arts, dialogue and the use of spinning tires in the death scene of the main male character. Meyer has cited Satana as the primary reasons for the film's lasting fame. "She and I made the movie," Meyer said.

Satana quickly became a sex symbol and even dated Elvis Presley for a while before turning down his proposal for marriage.

Tura then went on to work with another legendary cult film director Ted V. Mikels on his 1968 sci-fi horror film The Astro-Zombies playing the not-so-creatively named Satana and in his 1974 exploitation action flick The Doll Squad playing Lavella Sumara in an all-girl group of government secret agents.

Tura then retired from acting for almost 20 years before reappearing briefly in the 1990 film Man Hands and Swollen Glands. She then reappeared 12 years later in 2002, re-teaming with Ted V. Mikels for his straight-to-video quasi-sequel to The Astro-Zombies, Mark of The Astro-Zombies. In 2009 she appeared in the retro-themed sleaze flick Sugar Boxx and provided the voice of Varla in Rob Zombie's animated film The Haunted World of El Superbeasto. Her final role was last year, again with Mikels, for the third installment of the Astro-Zombies franchise, Astro Zombies: M3 - Cloned.

Even when she was not acting, Tura remained active, making several appearances at screenings of her films and at movie conventions. Despite her badass reputation, Tura is remembered by most fans as being extremely nice and personable. She has been immortalized in several drawings, paintings, songs, action figures and even a comic book based on her sex bomb persona in 2003 by Antimatter Comics.

Satana died on February 4, 2011, in Reno, Nevada. Her long-time manager, Siouxzan Perry, stated the cause of death as heart failure.

Tura Satana was a true original and will be greatly missed by fans of cult films everywhere. Junk Food Dinner salutes you, Ms. Satana. Rest in peace.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Zombies to eat neighbors on big screen?

One of my all-time favorite video games is "Zombies Ate My Neighbors" for SNES. The game's plot centers around a couple of in the midst of a monster attack on their town. They have to save their neighbors and fight creatures with squirt guns and weed wackers while indulging in references to numerous B-movies. Some of the names of the levels include: Lumberjack Hedgemaze Mayhem, Mars Needs Cheerleaders, Chopping Mall and Destroy all Vampires.

Well, this game is being turned into a movie! Despite the fact that turning a Super Nintendo game into a film will require a lot of creative licensing from the filmmakers, I'm happy to see this seemingly underrated classic game get some recognition. And seeing a movie about this is something I've wanted for a while (full disclosure: I wrote a script based on the movie for a screen-writing class in high school.)

I'm also excited for this, as I'll finally get to see what happens at the end. This game was hard as fuck and I could only get to level 40 or so out of infinity.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Parker finally watches the "Saw" movies many years too late

As I said on the most recent episode (JFD45), I've made the brash and perhaps illogical decision to watch all seven "Saw" movies in rapid fire order this week. I've only ever seen "Saw II" in its entirety, and I've seen most of 3, 4 and 5, though never in one sitting, just in non-sequential parts stretched over many years, just like the way members of Congress read proposed legislature. Now that "Saw" is over (so they say), it's the exact correct time to get in on the "most successful horror franchise in history," as that's how I get into most things I end up liking: years after everyone else stopped caring. Examples of things I've discovered that I enjoy recently: Rilo Kiley, The Postal Service and turntables. Anyway, I'm ingesting this decade's horror franchise and here are my thoughts thus far. Oh, and spoilers abound.

Saw (2004)

I'd never seen the original movie, which always seemed fine to me. I think the batting averages for the first entry in a horror franchise is around .475 at best. The first "Halloween" and "Texas Chainsaw" movies are pretty great and probably about as far as you need to get into the series, but with "Friday the 13th," or "Nightmare on Elm Street," you can probably just skip ahead to parts 2 or 3 and you'll be okay.

Anyway- this first installment was surprisingly good. Like all good horror, there's a simple set up and, basically, your imagination does a lot of the walking (at least for the first half of the film (and probably more so if you're not watching this movie after getting seven years worth of spoilers)).

Cary Elwes does a good job of conveying the idea that he's really upset about being chained to a pipe in a shitty bathroom. And I was surprised to see Danny Glover up in this piece, though, I was really hoping he'd say "I'm too old for this shit! Seriously, I'm 57 at the time of filming. I am certainly too old to be cast as a police officer." It was also fun to count all the cast members of "Lost" that showed up (answer: two), and then it was even more fun to watch them get brutally murdered, as the lack of brutal murder was why I stopped watching that show. Also, because it was fucking stupid.

Despite the fact that I knew most of what happened at the end of this movie going in, I was still pretty impressed with how well it was done. I knew full well that Jigsaw was the "dead" guy in the room, but when he stood up for the final reveal, I still had a slight "oh shit!" moment followed by the vague feeling of regret that I hadn't seen this in the theater so I could feel that "oh shit" moment sans spoilers. And, quite possibly, that moment would probably make the entire franchise worth while even if the subsequent six movies suck. I think Jigsaw closing the door on that photographer kid should be remembered as an iconic visual moment in horror, right up there with Michael Myers' missing body at the end of "Halloween" or that blood coming out of Johnny Depp's bed in "Nightmare."  It's not exactly an end scare, the way Jason or Freddy would do, but it leaves you with a serious sense of unease.

Saw II (2005)
This is the only "Saw" movie I've ever seen on purpose. On a whim, I saw it in a cheap theater with some broad and we laughed and laughed about how badly it sucked. For one, it had the bad Wahlberg (Donnie) in a starring role (this was before "The Happening" and Americans still considered Mark to be the "good" Wahlberg). After seeing the original, "Saw II" barely even feels like a continuation of the story. After a check on IMDB, my suspicions are confirmed. Apparently, the film is based on a script that had been floating around Hollywood and some genius said "Um, we'll just throw Jigsaw and his oddly dressed puppet into this script and we'll have a stew goin'!"

This installment sets the franchise's new standard that the films will feel less like horror films and more like gorey action movies. In a lot of action movies, bad guys coming up with devious plans, traps and ultimatums is par for the course. Green Goblin made Spidey choose to save Mary Jane or the tram full of tourists in "Spider-Man," those cocksuckers in "Total Recall" shut off the mutants' oxygen to piss off Quaid and there was that weirdo bad guy who made that lazer beam trap designed to cut James Bond's junk in half. Jigaw's puzzles are no different than these, aside from the fact that Jigsaw's reality is a shitty, bleak one, where heroes like Peter Parker, James Bond and Quaid don't exist, but apathetic junkies, abusive dads, corrupt cops and health insurance salesman make up most of the population. Jigsaw even has the same basic plan that the axe cult had in Stallone's "Cobra," in that they both want to cut the fat (pun intended) and keep the members of society that are strong enough to make it a better place (though, I think their ideas of "a better place" are probably a bit different).

I do, however, find it interesting that the real star of the show, Jigsaw, is actually treated as such. Everyone knows that Freddy's the star of the "Nightmare" movies. There's no one on Earth who'd sit through a Nancy spin-off tv show, for instance. But, Freddy's never treated like the star. There's always some new "it" girl that takes up most of the screen time and gets most of the dialogue. Even "Freddy vs. Jason" had the "main character" of Lori, for some fucking reason! But this isn't Jigsaw's bag. We all know he's the star (well, you could probably argue that the traps are the stars, I guess), and as such, Jigsaw's all up in the camera, getting just as much screen time, or more, than Donnie Wahlberg. This is really another action flick convention that, brought into a horror movie, is really refreshing and interesting.

This movie still pales in comparison to the first one. The characters are lame (Jigsaw aside (Tobin Bell is really good)). I love Shawnee Smith, but her Amanda character is boring in this (although I like her character in the first film and, to a leser extent, "Saw III"). The traps are really lame in this, too. There's one where if you look through a door's peep-hole, you get shot. And another where you have to climb into a furnace and then you (surprisingly?) get burned to death. Boring, uninspired crap, mostly. The end reveals don't pay off nearly as well this time around. I kinda liked the fact that Wahlberg Jr. was in a safe the whole time, but I went through so much crappy lameness to get there that I didn't really care too much either way by the time it was revealed. Also, he was kind of a dork. And, as I said, I like Shawnee Smith, but I mostly found it "interesting" that she had joined Jigsaw rather than finding it "mind-blowing" or "so crazy that I can't wait to find out what happens in 'Saw III'" or anything like that.

Check out Part 2 ("Saw III" and "Saw 4") of "Parker vs. Saw" here. 

And Part 3 ("Saw 5, 6 and 3-D") here.

Vote for JFD (and you'll get free health care!)

Hey. Junk Food Junkies. Despite the fact that Podcast Alley (the world's largest podcast directory) has stopped updating new episodes of shows, they're back to accepting votes for your favorite podcasts. And as such, we need you to go vote for us. Podcast Alley is a great way for people to stumble on us and realize that we are their soulmates. JFD got back into the Top 50 podcasts last month, which made us hosts postpone writing our suicide notes.

So, please take a second and vote for us or write a comment. Or, forget podcast alley and just tell some of your real life friends to listen to the podcast.

We love you.

1. Go Here.
2. Enter your email address and click “Vote now”
3. Then check that email – they will send you a link that must be clicked in order to confirm the vote.

You can also leave us 5-star reviews on iTunes next time you're on there, if you'd be so kind.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Better late than never, right? Junk Food Dinner #45 is here at last!

This week we take it to the streets and learn to love ourselves through cold-blooded contract killing in Curtis Jackson's (AKA: 50 Cent) Before I Self Destruct brought to us by our guest host/good sport Mike Dikk from Kissing Contest/Buncocky podcasts.

Up next, we totally body slam you from the top rope and (sort of) learn about the value of family in 1989's postmodern WWF epic No Holds Barred starring Hulk Hogan and Tiny "Zeus" Lister.

Finally, we lose our heads (see what we did there?) over the kraut-rock themed, parade of badasses that is Master of the Flying Guillotine from 1975.

We've also got Nerd News, DVD releases, listener mail, and more!


MP3 Direct Download Here.

Got a movie suggestion for the show, want to give your opinion on a movie we talked about or just want to tell us we suck? Drop us a line at Or hit us up on the hotline: 347-746-JUNK (5865).

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'The Stand' in the place that you live

Hey. You guys like Stephen King, right? Well, it turns out "The Stand" is gonna be turned into a real-life movie (or perhaps movies) produced by CBS. I've never read "The Stand," but I've seen most of the mini-series starring Marshall's dad from "How I Met Your Mother" and Parker Lewis. Other people were in that movie, right?

In 5th grade, I had a friend that I despised because I impressed the teacher by reading "Pet Semetery" in class, then like a week later, this friend of mine was spotted reading "The Stand" during recess. Fucking one-upper.

Anyway, Hollywood's been on this big, serialized one-a-year franchise kick for a while ("Lord of the Rings," "Harry Potter," "Twilight") and I guess "The Stand" (and the "Dark Tower" series (which is also being made)) will work well to fit into that slot, if that's the plan.